Are my boobs bigger yet?
Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have opened with that, but I’m genuinely curious. I guess thats the problem with me right now… I kind of have this unhealthy obsession with how I look. Have I gotten over that yet? No? Okay, maybe this will help.
Remember throwing up to look good in that dress? Remember freaking out and not wearing that STUNNING red dress to semi all because you thought your love handles were too obvious, that your thighs were too big, your back too scarred and your arms too flabby? Remember how you regretted it afterwards?
Remember how you cut out carbs for a whole week, and ran on the treadmill everyday, and wouldn’t drink anything but water, so you could look good? Remember how much it hurt? How much it fucked up with your IBS? How much you hated doing it, but just couldn’t stay away?
I remember it. I’m living it.
I hope that you’re now happy, and I hope you realize what you actually want from life… I hope that now you have realized that you have a right to be your own person and respect yourself. I hope that you have found someone who loves you for you, and makes you feel good about yourself everyday… and if you haven’t, that’s good too. Being alone is always a fun experience. There’s not limitations on what you can do to make yourself happy.
I hope that in 5 years, maybe even 10, we’ve made it. We’ve shown the world who we are, and what we can do. Made the people who denied us our rights shut up and fuck off, so that we can go on blazing trails and changing the world. I hope that we have discovered who we were meant to be and found a job that we love doing.
I hope that you remember the adversity you’ve face, and the challenges you’ve overcome, and I hope you know to always walk on, chin up and hold your head high.
Like Aunty Kay told us when we were 8;
"When you grow old Clare, there’s only a few rules you really need to know. Stomach in, butt out, boobs out, chin up, shoulders down. And smile."
And now, I want to reply.
Dear younger me,
Yes. Your boobs have grown. And yes, the size still matters to you. You have not gotten over how you look. That will take more than 365 days. That will likely take your entire life at this rate.
But you are happy, in a way that very much reflects where you’re at. Your a student. You take your wins in stride and try to ignore the losses as you can. But moving away helped. Getting out of the stuffy suburbs changed everything. You moved away, and you left everything behind. Your desire to feel good has turned into a fight to feel good, and you win it 4/5 times. When you don’t, it sucks. But you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving on.
You haven’t found anyone, and you’ve realized that you aren’t in a rush to. Yes, watching marathons of Say Yes To The Dress makes you wish you had someone, but in reality you couldn’t care less. You’ve tried, but it didn’t work out. He didn’t work out. Luckily, your heart hasn’t been broken (for the most part). But things still hurt.
You much prefer singledom though. You’re about to turn legal, and are pretty sure that will change everything. It probably won’t, but you’re still up for the challenge.
You’ve changed a lot. Physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually and all the other ways a person can change. Slowly, you’re starting to turn into who you wanted to be all along, and the outside is reflecting the inside. It feels natural when you’re away from home, but going home causes you to doubt yourself sometimes. You’re working on that. In the meantime, hair dye and scissors have changed you into someone you feel more comfortable being, and you’re no longer afraid to wear maxi skirts and dresses in public. You don’t bother with shorts anymore. They never made you feel good.
You are thriving though. You’ve discovered the career you want, and you’re finally starting to live it. You’re going to be a journalist, and it feels amazing. It’s hard, but you’re managing. It’s a dream, and as long as you work hard you’ll get there. You’ve discovered your place, and it feels good. Your flaws aren’t flaws anymore. Turns out all along they were just quirks that would make it easier for you when you finally starting working. You fit. You’re made for this. Congratulations.
It’s a lot easier to hold your chin up now. Congratulations. And always remember, Aunty Kay was right.